Late-night hosts on Trump: 'Even he can't believe he's president'

Extract from The Guardian

Comics, including Trevor Noah and Jimmy Fallon, discussed the latest Republican healthcare bill and the fact that laughter is now illegal

Trevor Noah: ‘Your baby could have to do its own C-section from the inside.’ Photograph: YouTube

Guardian staff

Saturday 6 May 2017 01.17 AEST 

Late-night hosts on Thursday took aim at the latest Republican draft of the healthcare bill and the party’s ability to pass it through the House of Representatives without anyone knowing much about it.
On The Late Show, Stephen Colbert spoke about a new amendment to the bill that would allow individual states to dictate certain rules about coverage.

“People get sick differently in different states,” Colbert said. “In California, you could be suffering from ‘hella foot pain, bruh’, whereas in Massachusetts it’s ‘wicked bad gout in your Red Sox’.”
He also spoke about the benefits the new bill would bring to the wealthy. “If hearing that raises your blood pressure, then calm down – you can’t afford the medication anymore,” he said.
Colbert then spoke about the protester who has been convicted of disorderly conduct because she laughed at Jeff Sessions during his hearing. “See, Trump’s America isn’t so bad, it’s just that laughter is now a crime,” he said.

In her defense, she said it was a reflex. “I understand that,” he said “It’s like my gag reflex every time I say President Trump.”

On The Daily Show, Trevor Noah played a clip of Trump, in which the president expressed surprise to have the job. “Even Donald Trump can’t believe he’s president,” he said. “I guess he does relate to the American people after all.”
The contents of the healthcare bill are still largely unknown, something that concerns Noah. “The true effects of the bill could be anything,” he said. “Your baby could have to do its own C-section from the inside – you don’t know.”
One of the strangest additions is that states will now be able to choose whether they want to use ambulances in certain situations. “Under this bill, if you live in a red state, ambulances might not be a basic benefit anymore,” he said. “Now when you get injured, you get picked up by a taxi with a bachelorette party on the roof.”
If you suffer from certain pre-existing conditions, then you would become part of a high-risk pool which, according to Noah, “sounds less like an insurance plan and more like something you’d find in Charlie Sheen’s backyard”.

On Late Night with Seth Meyers, the host played a clip of Trump claiming that fixing the conflict between Israel and Palestine wasn’t that difficult. “Peace in the Middle East is the phrase people use to describe something that’s difficult,” Meyers said. “That’s like saying: ‘When I need a needle, I just go straight to the haystack and grab one.’”
Meyers also played footage of journalists confused at press secretary Sean Spicer’s attempt to liken a fence to a wall. “I love that reporters are now just fully fucking with Sean Spicer,” he said.
Meyers then brought up the benefits the rich would receive from the new healthcare bill. “The bill literally takes from the poor and gives to the rich,” he said. “It’s exactly what Bernie Sanders warned us about. The only thing Bernie would hate more is a bill that bans free crackers at diners.”
During Trump’s victory speech, he was surrounded by beaming Republicans. “Look how happy those old white guys are,” he said. “I guess they’re just happy they finally passed something that wasn’t a kidney stone.”

On The Tonight Show, Jimmy Fallon spoke about the attempt to call the bill Trumpcare. “Experts say that’s the first time the words Trump and care have ever been said together,” he joked.
He also spoke about Trump’s visit to New York. “Roads were closed, traffic was a mess, everyone was in a bad mood, and then it got worse when Trump showed up,” he said.