Late-night TV: 'If Trump was Churchill, Britain would've folded before tea-time'

Extract from The Guardian

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Late-night TV roundup

Comics, including Stephen Colbert and Trevor Noah, discussed Hurricane Irma and Donald Trump’s decision to side with Democrats and extend the debt ceiling

Trevor Noah: ‘It seemed like the negotiation was a carefully choreographed ballet. Today, we learned it was a lot more like a molly seizure at Burning Man.’ Photograph: YouTube

Jake Nevins

Saturday 9 September 2017 01.26 AEST

Late-night hosts on Thursday addressed Hurricane Irma and President Trump’s decision to side with Democrats in negotiations over hurricane relief funding and the debt ceiling.
“Hurricane Irma continues to grind its way through the Caribbean,” Stephen Colbert began. “It is the largest Atlantic storm in history, with sustained winds of up to 185mph. If you haven’t already left, please follow the guidance of your local officials regarding evacuations. But if you are saying put, might I suggest following the storm-prep example of eccentric billionaire and guy most likely to make his own Jurassic Park in real life, Sir Richard Branson.”

“The goat-headed demon-god actually owns a private island down in the Caribbean, and he rode out the storm yesterday in his wine cellar,” Colbert continued. “That’s a smart move because I hear the Red Cross only has merlot.”
“Good news, they’re fine,” the host went on, before urging people to donate towards hurricane relief. “Many people are not. If you want to help, tune in this coming Tuesday for the Hand in Hand Harvey and Irma hurricane telethon. I’ll be working the phones and, if it helps raise money, I’ll also be working the pole.”

Colbert then discussed the news that President Trump agreed to a deal with Democratic leaders Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi to raise the debt ceiling.
“I’m going to say something a little weird now: the Democrats won something,” he said. “For the moment, they’re riding high, because they got Trump to agree to their plan on the debt limit. It’s the amount of debt America is legally allowed to carry. And if we don’t raise it every once in a while, we default on everything. And America gets repossessed by China. And I think we all move down to Richard Branson’s wine cellar.”
Colbert continued: “Republicans wanted to raise the debt ceiling to cover the next 18 months so the Democrats couldn’t use it as a negotiating tool before the midterm elections. Democrats wanted to cover only three months. And of course this infuriated Republican leaders. One GOP operative put it this way: ‘He fucked us.’”
“So why did Donald Trump side with the Democrats?” Colbert asked. “People at the meeting say he was anxious to get a deal done fast. And Trump’s also hinted he might work with the Democrats on restoring Daca after he rescinded it.”
“That’s the best way to make people happy,” the host concluded. “First, scare the crap out of them, then tell them there’s a way out. It’s like one of those Saw movies in reverse.”
Trevor Noah of Comedy Central also weighed in.
“It seemed like the negotiation was a carefully choreographed ballet,” Noah said, after airing news coverage in which it was revealed Trump was looking to strike a deal fast and cut off Treasury secretary Steve Mnuchin mid-sentence before agreeing to Pelosi and Schumer’s proposal.
“Today, we learned it was a lot more like a molly seizure at Burning Man. Just so we’re on the same page, the president of the US abandoned his party’s legislative strategy because the words made him tired? If Donald Trump was Winston Churchill, Britain would have folded before tea-time.”

‘If Donald Trump was Winston Churchill, Britain would have folded before tea time.’

Noah also poked fun at reports that Ivanka Trump sauntered into the meeting mid-way through, which reportedly made some GOP legislators “visibly annoyed”.
“This is best meeting ever,” Noah said. “Major shit has gone down, everyone is confused, and then the door flies open and in walks Pretty Kramer.”
“And this is not the first time this has happened either with Ivanka,” Noah said, referencing numerous reports in which the president’s daughter has walked into interviews or meetings midway through. “She’s basically that little girl from the BBC News clip that went viral.”
Finally, Seth Meyers of NBC discussed Trump’s decision to terminate Daca.
“While he prepares to deal with Hurricane Irma, Trump is also dealing with the political storm of his own making: his decision to end Daca,” Meyers began. “Even Republicans, like House speaker Paul Ryan, had urged Trump not to terminate Daca so that Congress could come up with a solution instead.”
“Paul Ryan did not want Trump to end Daca,” Meyers reiterated. “And it’s not like Ryan would ever change his mind as soon as Trump chose to end Daca, right?”
Meyers then showed footage of Ryan, days after appearing on a radio show and saying the program should not be terminated, saying Trump made “the right decision.”

“Paul Ryan flips so much he should be at SeaWorld,” Meyers quipped. “So now, Ryan, and the rest of the GOP leadership, which had previously urged Trump to hold off on ending Daca, have once again traded in their dignity and changed their minds to line up behind Trump. And instead of rewarding them for their loyalty, later Trump threw all of them under the bus by saying he might change his mind on Daca.”
Meyers then read aloud the president’s tweet, in which he says that, should Congress not come up with a legislative decision, he will “revisit the issue.”

“Trump’s Pottery Barn rule is, if I break, Paul Ryan buys it,” Meyers said. “Reporters asked him yesterday if he was already regretting his decision to end Daca, but he insisted he was not.”
Meyers showed a clip of a reporter asking Trump is, based on his tweet, he was having second thoughts about his decision, to which he replied, “no second thoughts.”
“Of course he doesn’t have second thoughts,” Meyers said. “He doesn’t have first thoughts.”