*THE
WORKER*
Brisbane,
February 2, 1895.
Interview
with the Hon. Horace Tozer.
Acting
under instruction a special representative of the WORKER dropped in
at the Colonial Secretary's office recently. Because the scribe came
unarmed with a banger coat and black hat a servile flunkey attempted
to bar his entrance. Attracted by the melee that ensued the Hon.
Horace appeared, and , directing a policeman to order up the
ambulance for the shattered beadle, with great cordiality invited the
WORKER man inside. His accent of what followed is here appended.
*
* *
I
looked up, and Mr. Tozer stood in the doorway smiling. His dreadful
ivory teeth gleaming behind his moustache, and glistening in the
subdued light. It is a characteristic of this remarkable man that he
neither uses his eyes nor his cheeks to smile with. He simply
uncovers his teeth. They happen to be wonderful teeth, and Mr. Tozer
is not aware of it, for he has no time to waste on trivialities. The
Colonial Secretary offered me his arm, and we entered his apartments.
They were worthy of a prince. The walls were decorated with portraits
of the great personality they sheltered. Some of the titles of these
I appended:
Mr.
Tozer Catching Schnapper.
Mr.
Tozer suffering from Indigestion.
Mr.
Tozer aboard the Lucinda.
Mr.
Tozer defying the Labour Party.
Mr.
Tozer Presenting a park to the Gympie people.
Mr.
Tozer Meditating the destruction of Unionism.
Mr.
Tozer as a Solicitor's Clerk (Ipswich 186--).
Mr.
Tozer wrestling with Truth.
“These,”
said the genial Minister, taking up a gold edged scrap album from a
table of ormulu, “ are my speeches.” As he opened them I fancied
I detected a smell of escaping gas. Glancing carelessly through them
I remarked how seldom the capital “I” appeared, and marvelled at
the extreme modesty of the great man. Large piles of correspondence
lay upon his office table awaiting attention. We scanned them
together – and a varied and interesting assortment they proved to
be. “Liquor up,” said Horace. “You know,” said the Colonial
Secretary, biting off the end of a half crown cigar and passing the
box. “I am a much over worked man. I have no sinecure, I assure
you. I found this department of the colony in a state of
disorganisation bordering on anarchy, and see what I have made of
it.” Lighting my half crowner and flinging myself carelessly down
upon a magnificent Russian leather couch I lay and listened. “I
have all these to attend to daily, “ he continued. “I have here
for instance reports from my detectives detailing the doings of every
member of the Labour Party during the last 24 hours.” He winked at
me knowingly. “Would you believe,” said he, “instance, that I
could tell you what Glassey had for breakfast this very morning.”
For answer I helped myself to another glass of Pomeroy. Again, he
observed, “I have here a communication from every branch of the
Federated Pastoralist's Union in the colony, advising me of the
conduct of the police and the civil servants in each of their various
districts, with directions as to who shall be transferred for
sympathy with the Labour movement and who shall be dismissed.
Likewise I have daily lists of the men whose antipathy to unionism
qualifies them for the vacancies thus created, and for promotion to
Justice-ships of the Peace. You know Guvment is Guvment!” He lit
himself another half-crown cigar and went on and on. As he proceeded
he grew enthusiastic in denouncing the Labour Party till his teeth
gleamed and his eyes glared.
*
* *
Later
on we entered another room. Here Mr. Tozer showed me a dog-chain,
which he declared was all that was used in '93 when bringing union
prisoners to gaol; and a model of the Ebor Creek railway bridge, said
to have been cut during the strike of the year. In the museum were
all kinds of instruments of tortures, such as the rack and
thumbscrew, &c., arms and ammunition of all kinds, the tin
canister found on the Aramac immediately after the explosion in 1893,
several battered skulls and human skins, the skeleton of a female
aboriginal who dropped dead with joy when she heard Mr. Tozer was to
present her with half a blanket, samples of hominy, tobacco and other
luxuries used at the “Island,” and various other stores which
interested the Col. Sec. And paralyse the stomachs of prisoners.
“Here,” said Mr. Tozer, “is where I spend my leisure hours,
which I regret to say, are few and far between.”
*
* *
“You
don't look tip top, Harry,” said the WORKER man, hauling up his
chair and hoisting his bluchered boots up on the magnate's table.
[The champagne was beginning to get into the scribe's head.] Horace
touched the electric bell, and ordered a dozen more of Pomeroy with
box of fresh half-crown a piece cigars.
“No,
as I say,” he replied, “I'm thoroughly worn out. You would hardly
believe the strain on my mind and body guiding the destinies of
Queensland through two of the greatest revolutions in all history.
Between you and me, I get little assistance from my colleagues. They
are a very poor lot. Byrnes is the only intelligent man amongst them,
and he, poor fellow, has the overwhelming ambition to aspire to the
Premiership. He will certainly collapse. 'Swell-head!” As for
Barlow, well, you have succeeded admirably in portraying his
character in the cartoons of your valuable journal. Poor old Nelson,
he is taking too much cold water lately to suit my fancy. As for the
others – bah! They are not worth mentioning.
“It's
rather aggravating, you know,” continued Horace ---------
Here
Parry Okeden surprised the WORKER representative by suddenly
appearing blowing a whistle made out of the thigh-bone of a union
shearer. “Sire,” said he, falling on his belly and crawling up to
Mr. Tozer's feet, where he reverentially made a communication
concerning the Coercion Act. When Okeden's message has been delivered
he turned over on his back, where he lay gazing at the ceiling while
Toser framed a reply. The WORKER represenative suggest to have to
record that in his anxiety not to miss the solemnity of the great
chief's face during this performance he listlessly expectorated in
Parry's eye. It is due to Mr. Okeden to observe, however, that in
spite of the agony he must have endured that gentleman was too well
bred to so far forget the etiquette of Mr. Tozer's department as to
notice the accident.
*
* *
“I
was saying,” “continued the Colonial Secretary,” “it's rather
aggravating, you know, to do all the work I do and get so little
credit. I am positive I do more than the work of three Ministers. I
haven't been to bed at my own house for a whole year or more. Still,
having accepted the onerous responsibility of public life I am not
the man to ------. have another cigar!”
The
WORKER man accepted the 2s. 6d. weed and remarked, “same old party
pays for these, I suppose, horry,” at the same time digging him in
the ribs. Tozer winked an in expressible wink.
“You
know you people often accuse me of lying,” said Tozer; “but the
fact of the matter is I am too truthful. I am too frank and
ingenuous. My heart is always on my sleeve. I am the most guileless
person outside my Island House.”
*
* *
“What's
your opinion of the Labour Party,” asked the WORKER man, nearly
tired of the “I” business.
“Very
high indeed.” - (Extraordinary in consistency). -”I may say I
have the very greatest respect for every man in the party. I consider
that with a little experience they will prove themselves most
excellent statesmen. It is true many of them might have been on the
Island had my efforts proved successful, but they had the luck of it,
and now have a chance of redeeming themselves. If they would only
make themselves a little more sociable we would soon knock them into
shape.”
“How
do you mean?”said the WORKER man. “Well,” said the great
man,”up at the O'uso, for instance.” “O, I see, Tonic!”
“Exactly,”
he added. “You see if any of our fellows are inclined to kick, we
detail off one of our best men to put some lubricant into him and
that fixes him up. You know, Guv'mint is Guv'mint.”
Here
there came another whistle and the Chief Commissioner of Police
wriggled in on his stomach and said: “Beloved sire! I come to
resport that a band of shearers have been observed on the horizon
with salt mutton in their possession, supposed to have been
surreptitiously obtained.” “Have them arrested at once,” said
Horace rising and striking a dramatic attitude. The Chief
Commissioner wriggled out, and Mr. Tozer then continued his remarks
to our representative.
“You
used to visit the union prisoners pretty often, old man,” said the
WORKER'S representative.
“I
have sworn to wipe out unionism,” said Horace inflating himself,
“and I will. These union prisoners were a particularly bad lot. I
offered them a free pardon, and guaranteed them a start in any
non-union shed they liked, and what do you think? They turned their
noses up at my magnanimity. O the ingratitude of men!
“Blow,blow
thou winter wind,
Thou
art not so unkind
As
man's ingratitude.”
“Where's
that quotation out of, “asked the WORKER man. “I've heard it
before.” Never ,” said Mr. Tozer. “It's a little thing of my
own, and quite impromptu.”
“You
are a man of marked ability, Mr. Tozer,” said the WORKER man.
“You
had better believe it,” said Horace. “I am fully convinced that
given health and strength and federation I shall yet become President
of the United States of Australia, and once in that and once in that
position what shall I not do for my beloved- self and country.
Observe, have I not all the phrenological and physiog-nomical traits
calculated to succeed. I – er – I have well-developed firmness,
though I regret to say small self-esteem. I have, ambition, courage,
combativeness, and that destructiveness which gives force to
character. I have, as you will observe in my eyes, the organ of
language largely developed, and my mouth is the mouth of the orator.
I have the mental motive vital temperament well balance, and the only
thing necessary to succeed in any enterprise I turn my hand to is a
due appreciation of my own genius. That I have not, but perhaps I
will overcome that in the course of a few years. I have made a good
deal of money since I've been in Parliament, and the possession of
wealth often given one a dignity of demeanour which is absent in a
poor relation.”
“About
that Ipswich experience of yours, Mr. Tozer. I believe you had a
tendency towards Communism in those days,” observed the WORKER man
carelessly.
Mr.
Tozer here upon hauled out his watch, and and mumbling something
about a Cabinet meeting already overdue, nervously excused himself.
The
WORKER man there upon took his feet down out of the correspondence
basket and reluctantly left.
