A handy guide for Malcolm Turnbull on dealing with Donald Trump

Extract from The Guardian

Dom Knight

Turnbull and Trump have so much in common – they’re both self-made and consider themselves the smartest guy in any room. Surely, they can work this out

‘There’s so much they can talk about – how big the crowds were at Trump’s inauguration, how bad Schwarzenegger is on The Celebrity Apprentice.’ Photograph: Rex/Shutterstock

Thursday 2 February 2017 17.13 AEDT 

After Donald Trump won the US election, Malcolm Turnbull was so desperate to speak to him, he tracked down Trump’s number via that renowned diplomat, Greg Norman. But if the report of Saturday’s call published by the Washington Post isn’t more fake news, the prime minister isn’t going to be all that keen to sign up for more earbashings from a president with the intensity, randomness and people skills of a tropical cyclone.

President Trump has Ari Gold’s blend of rampant egomania and instant fury, but isn’t just there to serve as comic relief. Australia’s relationship with the country he now runs is critical to our security and economic future. Australia and the US haven’t had to weather a disaster like this since Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles.
Australia’s prime minister also considers himself a business-savvy deal-maker, so Trump’s assertion that his prize refugee resettlement deal was the “worst deal ever” must have stung. After all, as the founder of Trump University, the president is a connoisseur of terrible deals.

Following what Sky News reports was a period of protracted yelling followed by a sudden hang-up, Turnbull must have wondered whether Australia’s closest alliance was on the verge of foundering. He might even have been tempted to hand his job back to Tony Abbott – and you can bet a knighthood would help to get Trump back onside.
Ordinarily, calls from the president must be one of the highlights of being prime minister. John Howard delighted in his role as George W Bush’s “deputy sheriff”, while Kevin Rudd’s Cheshire cat smile was never widest than when beaming at Barack Obama. Now, Turnbull’s hearing he’s worse to deal with than Vladimir Putin. If this goes on, our PM might need Julian Assange to put in a good word for him.
Fortunately, Trump’s moods are as reversible as his bankruptcies. I’m sure that within the next 24 hours, they’ll speak again, and pretend to be friends, especially when his advisers explain that Australia is a close ally, and Turnbull’s leadership of the Liberal party doesn’t mean he’s in league with the Democrats. So, as a Trumpwatcher from back when he was entertaining to watch on TV, I’ve put together a few tips on how Turnbull can handle a politician who makes Barnaby Joyce seem predictable.

Go with the boasting

It’s a given that most of every conversation is going to be about how great Donald J Trump is, how great his team are, and how great America’s going to be in about five seconds’ time. This is a guy who can even boast about his crowd numbers when visiting a CIA memorial. You just have to get through it, like an editor of The Apprentice wading through countless hours of drivel about beefsteaks and neckties. It’ll be like attending one of his rallies, only without clearly marked exits.

Don’t criticise

Don’t ever contradict or criticise him – he will subject you to the fury he usually only reserves for Rosie O’Donnell. In particular, don’t point out that both of you recently won incredibly narrow election victories.

Keep the topic on Trump

If you want to change subjects, as Turnbull reportedly tried to do by pivoting to the conflict in Syria, you have to do so while keeping it all about him. Perhaps praise what he said about Syria during the campaign, or say how cool it is that he picked someone called “Mad Dog” as secretary of defence? And don’t ask for details of his secret plan to defeat Isis – it’s a secret, see?

Enough about me, what do you think of me?

Every possible interaction has to come back to Trump personally – not the relationship, not the American people, and certainly not the people of Australia, because as a narcissist, he only sees the world in terms of himself. When marking Black History Month, he talked extensively about Ben Carson and Omarosa, presumably the only African Americans he knows besides the Obamas.

Spell out how Trump will win

So, the benefits for Donald J Trump need to be spelled out. If he helps with Nauru, perhaps it could become another glittering jewel in his golf empire? The place is essentially one big sand trap.

The worst doesn’t necessarily mean “the worst”

Trump is also fond of hyperbole, at all times – and “at all times” is not itself a piece of hyperbole. “Everyone’s” saying that whatever he’s doing is “the greatest”. Anything that displeases him slightly is “the worst” or “terrible”. So him saying so doesn’t necessarily mean that your refugee agreement really is the “worst deal ever” – clearly, that was whatever he offered Chris Christie.

A deal’s never a deal

The problem is, Trump is happy to back out of deals he’s made himself, frequently refusing to pay contractors, so it’s hard to see him sticking to an agreement that his predecessor made.
The best way for Turnbull to save a deal that’s crucial for his own leadership may well be to remind him that refugees are sometimes gorgeous enough to work for Trump Models. Perhaps that’s what the president means when he says that he wants to subject them to “extreme vetting”?

Study the tweets

And then there are the tweets. Does this follow-up effort seem like a guy who wants to go ahead with the deal?

Donald J. Trump

✔ @realDonaldTrump

Do you believe it? The Obama Administration agreed to take thousands of illegal immigrants from Australia. Why? I will study this dumb deal!

1:55 PM - 2 Feb 2017

We’ve never had so clear an insight into the mind – and the id – of a world leader. At least Turnbull will know what he’s thinking. Fortunately for him, for every angry tweet saying one thing, a direct contradiction is usually available elsewhere. (Here’s an exhaustive index.)

When in doubt, donate

Turnbull and Trump have plenty in common. They’re both self-made, consider themselves the smartest guy in any room, have eponymous foundations (although Turnbull’s doesn’t tend to buy portraits of him), and both prefer their swanky personal residences than the ones the taxpayer has provided. And they both have close ties with Goldman Sachs – Turnbull used to work there, like six of Trump’s advisers. They should be buddies. Does the PM play golf?

Plus, Turnbull has had plenty of experience wrangling people like Donald Trump. Not only did he once famously stand up to Kerry Packer, but he has grandchildren who are toddlers.
What he needs to do now is fly to Washington DC and pay tribute to the new ruler of the free world. Literally, if necessary – another $1.75m out of his pocket for the Trump Foundation can’t hurt. Since winning the election, Trump has met with Anna Wintour, Leonardo DiCaprio, random footballers and Kanye West, so he can surely make time for our leader.
There’s so much they can talk about – how big the crowds were at Trump’s inauguration, how bad Schwarzenegger is on The Celebrity Apprentice. The usual stuff world leaders talk about. Trump’s a fan of walls, we’ve got a Barrier Reef. Things should be OK.
They’ll be the greatest. Or the worst. With Donald Trump in the White House – and Steve Bannon in the room when he’s on the phone to Malcolm Turnbull – there is absolutely no way our PM can predict where things will go from here. Sad