Saturday, 17 May 2014

Talking to the h-dropping John Thomas Annear

*THE WORKER*
Brisbane, March 2, 1895.



Interview with John Thomas Annear.

Having obtained from a pawnshop the loan of a black suit and white choker, together with an orthodox black hat belonging to one of Bishop Webber's impecunious parsons, the WORKER man arrayed himself in the garb of a reporter of the Evangelical Standard and waited upon Mr. Annear at Parliament House.
After some delay our representative was ushered in along innumerable passages and through many doors guarded by many policemen, each of whom demanded the countersign. Finally the parliamentary library was reached, and the attendant whispered in an awe-struck voice, “Whisht! it's beyant the great man himself is.”
At the further end of the library, seated before an immense tome whose pages enclosed the net results of the greatest thoughts of the world's great minds on the grand old subject of constitutional law, sat Mr. Annear. His brows were drawn together in deep pensive thought, the index finger of his right hand lightly touched the centre of his forehand after the studious manner of the philosophers of ancient Greece, and he mumbled to himself as he read.
The WORKER man and the flunkey stood afar off in amaze.
After awhile the senior member for Maryborough arose, still deeply immersed in thought, and no doubt altogether unaware of the presence of an eager minion of the press, and began to strike attitudes. Having obtained a wet towel he tied it round his head to calm the fierce pulsations of his over-heated brain, and then with a sign began to pace backwards and forwards after the fashion of Hamlet in his celebrated soliloquy. The WORKER man, nauseated with this artificial rot, and knowing well that Mr. Annear's capacity for thought scarcely equals that of the genus frillo lizardi (see Meston's geography) hereupon made his entrance and announced himself.
Mr. Annear straightened himself up as if taken by surprise. The quick eye of the WORKER man glanced towards the subject of Mr. Annear's study and detected a copy of the 'awk concealed in the volume on constitutional law.
After muttering a short prayer in the responses of which Mr. Annear joined, we rose from our knees, and calling for two brandies and sodas proceeded to business.

* * *

“You see,” said Mr. Annear, “'ow the hexigencies of my sittenwation has Chairming of Kommittees hinclines my hintellect towards the hinteresting and harduous study of constitootional lor. Look bat me!” he said, striking an attitude, “'ow hi 'ave harisen from the humble sphere of a hunknown bricklayer. The hadvantages of hintellect are 'ere happarent has also halso the guigin' 'and of a homnipotent Hallmighty. Hi come of a hancient Hirish family,” said Mr. annear in the same breath. “ Properly speaking, has I told them hup at Maryborough hat my first helection, the name Hannear is honly hat corruption of the hold Hirish title O'Near, oose hestates were half as large as the ole of Queensland. Hi despised the hassistance of hanestors and hemigrated 'ere.”
“I presume you have often followed the hounds in the old country,” said the reporter. “Ha! Don't mention it,” said Mr. Annear.” “Kangaroo 'untin'. Cockfitin', rattin' and Breakfast Creek races is nothin' compared with the grand hold Hirish sort of 'untin' the fox.”
“What is your opinion on the heiroglyphic verisimilitude or the autobiographical autopay of constitutional law, Mr. Annear!”
Mr. Annear paused before replying to this profound observation.
“Hi belong,” he said, “to the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Hanimals, and hin the hevercise of my duty as chairming of that society I find constitutional law come in 'handy. Hit is halso of great use to me hin my private capacity has a cement merchant.”
“The Evangelical Standard has heard it remarked that your firm are large supplies of cement to the Government,” said the reporter.
Mr. Annear's indignation was intense. He struck the table twice with sledge-hammer blows. Then thrusting his clenched fist in the face of the pseudo Evangelical Standard reporter, he exclaimed, with the roar of a wounded lion, “It's a d-----d lie! Hi ham too well hup in constitootional lor to hallow hany such hillegal haction hin my name!”
“Or in the name of your partner or clerk, I presume,” added the reporter.
Mr. Annear's indignation at these awful calumnies so overcame him that he scorned to reply.

* * *

In order to divert the conversation from so painful a subject the WORKER man made a casual reference to Sir Henry Parkes, Mr. Annear became himself again.
“Hi av that honour,” said John T. “Hon one hoccasion hi ad the hexquisite henjoyment hof spendin arf ha day hat his henjoyable hand hinterestin 'ouse. We talked of poitry. Talk about quotin. He gave me is hown, and hi gave him some of the Maryborough lorry hate, William Crompton. 'Ave ye erd hof 'im? Ha well, yes orter read it. Parkes as hall the wisdom hof the hancients, and halso riz from a humble sphere like hi ave. Hin fact there are many points of resemblance between hus. 'E told me 'ow great hi was and hi told 'im. 'E 'as a horful command hof language, for eggsample, bi picked hup a toy windmill from the table, and remarked 'ow hinterestin' happened to be.”
“' Hobserve the haction of hits harms,' said Parkes 'The slightest hagitation of the hair or
hatmosphere sets the hole hinstitution in hextreme hagitation without the haid or assistance hof hany hexternal hagency whatsohever!'”

* * *

“What is your opinion of the binomial theorem or the theosophical theodolite of federation?” asked the WORKER.
“'Igh,” said Mr. Annear with profound sagacity, but ventured no further.
“Do you believe that the Great Barrier Reef, should be included in the Federal scheme: likewise Mud Island, New Guinea and the pile lighthouse?” asked the reporter.
“Hif helected has a member of the Federal Parliament hi shall use hall my horatorical hability to hadvocate the hinclusion hof hall hof hall hof huntried henergy. Hi should 'av hin Minister for Works long hago, 'ad hit not been for my hextreme hamiability. Hi will yet hattain that proud heminence. Hi ham halready the Standin' Horders, has hi 'av told them before. Yes,” he said, in reply to an interjection from the reporter, “hi ham hopposed to payment hof members halthough hi draw £500 a year has Chairman hof Committees with haudacious regularity. Hi halso'av hopposed a factory hact for the prevention hof cruelty to children, but hi ham hin favour hof a more stringent hact for the prevention hof cruelty to pore 'orses hand huther hanimals.” “What is your opinion of the lower orders, Mr. Annear?”
Between you hand hi, hi believe they should be kept hin their place. Their highorance his hastonishin'. Why wen hi was haddressin' the helectors hat Petrie's Bight they hactually removed the chocks from the wheels of the trolly from which hi was speakin', and the 'ole haffair started to run down Queens street. The cowards! But hi fought 500 of 'em once during the maritime strike. Hand look hat the Maryborough helectors, they 'owl me down when hi ham away, but when hi goes hamong them hand pats their dirty kids on the 'ed, hand says; 'This young man bought to be hin the police force. Hi will see that 'e gets a billet,' why, they simply 'owls themselves 'oarse for Jack hannear. Three cheers for jack hannear. 'Ip,'Ip, 'ooray! Hi kan'ardly 'elp larfin' housright hat their hignorance horften.”
Is it a fact that your seat is a dead certainty for Mr. M'Ghio, the man whom you are accused of having had dismissed on account of his political opinions, Mr. Annear?”
'Hi ham a bit shaky habout hit, Hi must say, honly Hi won't hadmit hit. But Hi'av had'ent faith hin the ed-pattin business and the judicious hexpenditure of a little coin hin grog. Beer,” said mr. Annear, is the best support hour party 'as.”
No! Hit is not a fact that wen Hi and my partner built a chimley my partner 'eld up the chimley while Hi went for the money, and that wen Hi received the coin my mate let go and the chimley fell. This his certainly not hay fact.”

* * *

Excuse me, Mr. Annear,” said the reporter. “It is said you are illiterate. The Evangelical Standard would like to give the lie to all such calumnies. Now I am instructed to submit you to a test which shall put to shame your traducers in this respect.”
Mr. Annear here began to fidget.
The reporter continued: “Will you, Mr. Annear, kindly say the alphabet backwards!”
The would-be Minister for Works was nonplussed for a moment, but suddenly an inspiration seized him. “'Av a drink hold man.”
fairly cornered the great man blurted out, “D-E-C-E-V.”
The interviewer gave him another chance and said “No, have another try.”
With visions of the future historian dancing before his eyes Mr. Annear, perspiring at every pore, hazarded another venture.
D-E-E-C-E-A-V.”
Correct,” said the WORKER man, “Consider your chatacter as a literary man henceforth established.”
Hi was hallways an hadmirer of Disraeli,” said Mr. Annear in frantic jubilation. “Hi ham hinterested hin hall the 'igher harts hand hattainments hof hancient 'istory. Hi tell you hi ham hambitious. Hi 'av a heye hon the Professor of Belly letters hat the hintended huniversity hot Queensland hif hi fail to hobtain the Portmantear hole Bob Philp 'angs hon to so tight. Hi ham -
[The WORKER regrets to state tHat its supply of small H's Has become exHausted, and tHat it is Here reluctantly compelled to abandon Mr. Annear to tHe Historian of tHe future. THe remainder of tHe manuscript Has been Handed to Mr. AreHibald Meston and will no doudt one day, wHen Queensland Has become a Socialist State, be Held up to tHe cHildren of tHat time as an object lesson in tHe kind of man to wHom a reasonable and intelligent portion of a presumably civilised and sane community entrusts its rigHt to a voice in tHe disposal of its Health, Happiness and freedom, in otHer words, to tHe making of its laws.]



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