Late-night hosts examined the search for a replacement for John Kelly and the prospects for Michael Cohen’s ‘Individual-1’
Late-night hosts examined the search for a replacement for John Kelly and the prospects for Michael Cohen’s ‘Individual-1’
Stephen Colbert
The host of The Late Show harkened back to his faux 2007 presidential
campaign by throwing out his name to replace the departing White House
chief of staff, John Kelly. Following reports on Monday that Donald
Trump’s pick to fill the role, Nick Ayers (or, according to Colbert,
“bro who’s not going to allow those nerds to host a luau on campus while
he’s president of Sigma Phi Epsilon”) turned down the role, the host proposed that he get the front-row seat on a sinking ship.
“Who would pass up the chance to spend 10 minutes on the deck of the Titanic while it’s sinking?” he joked.
Colbert also touched on the latest in special counsel Robert
Mueller’s investigation: the sentencing recommendation for former Trump
attorney and “regret emoji” Michael Cohen, in which it was revealed that
in 2015 he spoke with a Russian offering “political synergy” with the Trump campaign.
“‘Political synergy’ is such a nice way to say ‘colluding to fix the
election’,” Colbert scoffed. “It’s like describing repeatedly stabbing
someone as ‘torso ventilation’.”
“Who would pass up the chance to spend 10 minutes on the deck of the Titanic while it’s sinking?” he joked.
Seth Meyers
Seth Meyers also skewered the president’s escalating news crises
during a segment on Monday night. “People [are] quitting this White
House like it’s a Kmart the day before Black Friday,” he said. But while
Colbert jokingly nominated himself for the White House chief of staff,
Meyers played Kelly’s departure straight.
“I just hope that now that his tenure is over, everyone who hailed
him as a paragon of discipline and order when he first took over will
look back and admit that they were very wrong,” he said.
Meyers also pulled no punches on the findings revealed in
prosecutors’ sentencing recommendations for Cohen. “Prosecutors spelled
out as clearly as possible in this document that they believe the
president of the United States committed a crime by paying hush money to
cover up his affairs,” he said.
As for the allegations against “Individual-1” Meyers joked that Trump
could have it worse. “The only thing worse for Trump than finding out
he’s Individual-1 would be if he found out that he’s Individual-2.”
Later in the episode, Meyers hosted Representative-elect Jahana Hayes
of Connecticut’s fifth congressional district. A former history
teacher, Hayes vowed that she was “going to die trying” to address
rollbacks in education regulations by the current secretary of
education, Betsy DeVos.
“I know how it disproportionately impacts children,” she said of
removing safeguards against predatory college loan lenders and campus
sexual assault. “And it’s ridiculous that we’re even having
conversations that begin with not protecting children. It’s not OK.”
Trevor Noah
So who wants to spend every day being insulted by a 72-year-old 5-year-old? https://on.cc.com/2LcUibu
On The Daily Show, host Trevor Noah focused on Ayers, former chief of staff for Vice-President Mike Pence, who both turned down Trump’s job offer and announced his intention to return home to Georgia.
“That’s how bad this job is. President Trump offers this job to some guy, and he responds by quitting the job he already has and fleeing to another state,” joked Noah.
Besides Ayers, four other government officials reportedly on Trump’s shortlist all expressed non-interest in the role. “So many American don’t want this job, Trump might have to let a Mexican do it,” said Noah.
The Daily Show offered an alternative to the uninterested shortlist and the self-nominated Colbert: self-nominated Daily Show correspondent Michael Kosta. “I got all the qualifications he cares about,” joked Kosta. “I’m white, I’m male, I’m straight. I can poop standing up. I’m the whole package.”
The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow)
Trump can’t find a new chief of staff. F**k it -- let @michaelkosta do it. https://t.co/e8BvkjBUWZ pic.twitter.com/bJCo80FJtj
December 11, 2018The job is simple, he said. “All you’ve got to do is make sure that Trump doesn’t stick his finger in a socket. It’s pretty much daycare, and most of the kids I babysat didn’t die.”
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